I don’t know what other title to put for this one and I sure as fuck have been waiting a LONG time to write about this.
I used to wonder why people tended to move away from me as soon as I tried getting close. It’s not because I wanted to bother them but because I wanted to talk. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong but I doubt they knew or cared. They just wanted to get away from me and me with the life I was living, couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I went to school, I went home and straight to my room. I played video games a bit but they reminded me of the very things that bothered me. There was a time I watched porn everyday but I ended up feeling discouraged. I felt empty and I needed something else to kill the pain. I smoked and that’s when I really started feeling ‘good’ for the 1st time in my life. But the effect went away and I was back to feeling empty. I lost sleep thinking about it. Thinking about how the next day was gonna be when I saw these people.
I’d sit next to some girl and she’d move away. I wasn’t ‘in love’ with her and I sure didn’t even think she was that attractive. Most of them were chubby and 3s-5s on a scale of 1-10. It was even more embarrassing for me when it happened in front of other people. Or I’d say hi to a girl and she’d just look at me like I was a piece of shit. That ate me when I got home and eventually, I got to a point where I’d RATHER not say hi to someone I know because I feared they were gonna ignore me. I WAS a piece of shit. I WAS a weirdo. I WAS a loser. I WAS unwanted.
It’d be weird if I was in a room talking to a lot of people about this very thing.
And it wasn’t just with girls, I’d get the same thing with other guys. A few of them pointed out something about me was weird and left it at that. I tended to not do what I was supposed to do because I wanted to be the ‘better’ person.
There’s no such thing. I was personally never taken seriously by other guys until I had a fight which ended with me flushing a toilet with his head in it. I got suspended but I didn’t give a fuck. I’ve been in other fights since then and you’d say it was over trivial shit if you knew what it was about. Some guy said I looked like a little boy to him, I fought him over that. Some guy said I was ‘rude’ and me having the anger issues I had, I fought him later too. I found out some other guy had been talking, I went and hit him and we scrapped.
A lot of these fights were started by me and I can’t say I regret that. I’m not a troublemaker, I just want to get along with everybody but some people in my life made that difficult for me.
I didn’t know where the hate came from. And why I was hated so much when I didn’t do shit. I didn’t know what someone could know about me that I didn’t know they knew.
I was very paranoid and it harmed how I looked at people. How I talked to people. How I carried myself (my body language turned a few people off.)
It can’t all be so simple and when I learned that and got the fuck out of the house, my life changed and things didn’t bother me like they used to.